Do you ever have days where you don't feel "enough"?
Maybe it's the way our culture is built, but this idea that if we are not perfect, productive, and ready to perform our best at the drop of a hat can quickly spiral into a harmful cycle of negative self talk, where persistent self criticism keeps us down. In a world that seems to always want more -- more perfection, more exceptionalism, more perfect work -- it's easy to become our own worst critic, especially when we fail to catch ourselves internalizing this harshly self critical voice.
And I speak on this as someone who has felt this way many times throughout my career. I thought that if I could just do "more," or, "be better," I could find that elusive answer that finally silences those negative thoughts. And to be fair, that's how I (and many others) tackle problems everyday, by applying our efficient, problem-solving attitude to something new and unfamiliar; obviously, if we're stuck in a problem, we just have to work our way out of it, right?
(SPOILER: It was not the solution!)
It wasn't until I realized that doing more was only adding fuel to the fire that I took a step back and recognized how the problem has nothing to do with external standards.
I discovered that the key to resilience, joy, and personal growth wasn't more striving, but more self-kindness. We hold ourselves to such high standards, standards that we wouldn't dare hold our loved ones to, that it's almost ludicrous that we can be so ready to treat ourselves worse than those we love.
Acknowledging your imperfections with gentleness and care, the same kindness and grace we give to others, is how self compassion allows you to meet life’s challenges with strength, not shame. In this journey towards replacing self criticism with self love, I want to share 7 essential tips I learned that can allow you to nurture your inner kindness, and become your own greatest ally.
Understanding Self Compassion
1. Gain a deeper understanding of what self compassion means.
Self-compassion, as defined by psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, involves three key components:
- Self-kindness instead of self-judgment.
- Common humanity instead of isolation.
- Mindfulness instead of over-identification.
In short, self compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to others. It’s a method to enhance mental health and wellbeing by practicing kindness towards yourself, especially when you struggle with addressing self criticism.
Practicing self compassion teaches us to handle life’s challenges with a gentler, more forgiving attitude towards ourselves, rather than attacking perceived flaws with self blame.
And it is not self pity, but rather, it's a framework through which we craft a more compassionate relationship with our internal sense of self, silencing the self criticism, and acknowledging that we owe it to ourselves to be our own biggest advocate. After all, you wouldn't yell, unduly criticize, or demean your best friend, would you?
2. Recognize the benefits of self compassion
Research supports the idea that self compassion is more than just buzzwords or some sort of pop psychology trend -- there are numerous benefits conferred to people who regularly practice self compassion, as the last two decades of studies support.
Self-compassionate individuals...
- Are more motivated: This 2011 study from UC Berkeley found that individuals were more motivated to succeed after failure when they engaged in self compassion behaviors.
- Are happier: This study by Dr. Neff, the first scientist to coin the term itself, found that self compassion was linked to positive psychological and personality traits such as increased optimism, curiosity, and extroversion.
- Have a healthy body image: This2012 study published in Body Image found that high self compassionate individuals were more likely to have fewer concerns about their body, and in fact, high self compassion was found to influence how often individuals engage in body shame self criticism as well as depressive symptoms.
Generally speaking, self compassion offers numerous boosts to our relationship with our emotions, and can foster the mental resources needed to thrive through challenges both personal and professional.
Overcoming Self Criticism
3. Recognize the dangers of self criticism
While some believe self criticism is a motivator, research shows the opposite— self criticism can lead to low self-esteem and many negative mental health outcomes, perpetuating maladaptive thought patterns that keep us feeling lesser. Self-criticism can lead to a cycle of rumination, where individuals obsessively dwell on their perceived failures.
But to recognize when we are engaging in self criticism, I recommend asking yourself ... :
- Am I being too hard on myself?
- Are the things I am saying helping me or hindering me?
- Are the things I'm choosing to criticize as serious as I think they are?
The key is to catch, but not judge ourselves for having moments of self doubt or low self esteem, and taking a needed brain break. Challenging these negative self talk patterns is easier said than done, but that's why remaining vigilant (aka being self aware) can help us recognize and stop the cycle before it begins.
4. Focus on building self awareness
Self awareness is one of the best tools we have to combat self criticism and pave the way to more self compassion. Self-awareness is the ability to recognize and understand your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors -- it may sound simple on the surface; after all, if all these negative thoughts are going on in my own head, shouldn't I implicitly understand them?
I know, it sounds easy at face value, but it's because we're with ourselves 24/7 that it's far more common for subtle changes in our thought patterns to slip by unnoticed. What was once a small thing has spiraled into a continuing habit of self criticism.
To build self awareness, I recommend asking yourself:
- “What am I feeling right now?”
- “What triggered this reaction?”
- “How can I support myself in this moment?”
Awareness opens the door to change—and to choosing kindness over judgment.
Practicing Mindfulness and Self Compassion
5. Incorporate mindfulness practices for improved self compassion
Mindfulness helps you become present with your emotions without judgment, and it's foundational to a healthy mental well being during stressful moments. When practiced consistently, mindfulness allows you to observe your thoughts with clarity and compassion, rather than getting swept away by them in the moment.
In essence, mindfulness practices enable us to regain control of our inner dialogue and silence the overly critical voice with balanced awareness.
Helpful steps to start incorporating mindfulness include:
- Breath work to ground yourself in the moment. Even a single deep breath has been found to reduce feelings of anxiety in healthy adults!
- Body scans to connect with physical sensations. Start from the top of your head, and move downwards through your entire body, drawing special attention to each limb and sensation.
- Loving-kindness meditations to foster self-love and connection. These can include positive affirmations, a self care routine, or guided meditations with a professional.
Even a few minutes a day can shift how you relate to yourself and enable you to stay present. Self judgment can make us feel out of control, and taking a few moments to center ourselves in the moment can cultivate kindness towards our internal spirits.
6. Consider helpful mindfulness scripts for self compassion
We owe it to ourselves to be kind, but if it feels unnatural at first, don't be deterred. It's very common to be unsure how to start, which is why I love having helpful phrases, or mindfulness scripts on hand that can lift us up when we need some encouragement.
Similar to positive affirmations, using mindfulness scripts or mantras can be a powerful way to build self-compassion in a small but significant amount of time.
To get your creative juices flowing, here are a few you can repeat silently or aloud:
- “I am doing the best I can, and that is enough.”
- “This is a moment of struggle. Struggle is part of being human.”
- “May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”
These are just a few examples that I personally love to use, but you can create your own phrases or find guided meditations that speak to your heart. Consistent repetition can help rewire self-critical thought patterns into nurturing ones.
7. Recognize your common humanity
Everyone struggles. Everyone makes mistakes. Understanding that everyone makes mistakes and has tough times can help you be more kind and understanding towards yourself.
Oftentimes, self criticism stems from trying to be more than just what we are: flawed human beings who make mistakes. We can never be perfect, and being hard on ourselves for being less than flawless does nothing for lifting up our self esteem. You may find that just as you come to accept others for their mistakes, you find it easier to accept your own.
Instead of isolating yourself with shame, remind yourself:
- “Others have felt this way too.”
- “It’s okay to be imperfect—I’m human.”
- “This is part of life, and I am not alone.”
This perspective helps transform self doubt into empathy—for yourself and others.
Conclusion
I believe that we should send the same kindness we reserve for others to ourselves, especially when things feel overwhelming.
Self compassion is a necessity for emotional resilience, healthy relationships, and meaningful growth; not a vehicle for self pity or narcissism. When you choose kindness over criticism, mindfulness over shame, and connection over isolation, you unlock a more powerful, grounded version of yourself that is a master of self kindness and acceptance.
Start small. Speak gently. Show up with grace. Watch how your world transforms when you begin to truly love and support the person you see in the mirror.